Usually when I record a solo podcast episode, you get to read the whole thing here in a handy-dandy blog post. However, this lesson/episode has a story attached that is so...I don’t even know how to describe it...painful/excruciating/funny/embarrassing, to type it up won’t do it justice. You’ll just have to listen.

In it, I’m sharing with you times I’ve done something vulnerable and fallen on my face. Stories where it didn’t work out. And how I got back up again and moved on.

I start with the story of me going to see Rob Bell speak last week in Durham and I made a complete asshat of myself, not once, not twice, but three times in one day. The second one wasn’t quite that bad, but the third one was so bad if you’re that person who has trouble watching excruciating moments during reality shows, (like me) this will make you uncomfortable. This picture of me with crazy eyes and Rob Bell was taken about 10 minutes before that third thing happened…

I actually had a different episode planned for today, but this thing happened and I decided to share it for three reasons:

1. When it happened, I swore to myself I would NOT share it with listeners b/c it was so humiliating. When I think something like that, I know it’s hit an edge with me and it’s something for me to think about, work through, and then share with you.
2. Everyone has these moments. I teach courage and kickassery-- if I can’t tell you my failures and how I get back up, what good is it?
3. I told the story to Amy (my BFF) and she laughed to hard she had tears streaming down her face. So, hopefully you can both cringe and laugh with me. Trust me when I tell you I wasn’t laughing when it happened, but I laughed when I told her later.

Then, I’ll talk about asking some big-name self-help people I’ve invited to be on the show, being rejected, and the one big takeaway I know that keeps me going.

And last I’ll talk about love-- what’s it like to have two back-to-back failed relationships, and not just failed-- like fall-on-your-face betrayed, cheated on, lied to, conned and dumped ….and finding love and trust again. (Hint: it’s hard, and complicated, and still a work in progress).

I’ll tell you the story of what made me imagine what it would look like if my husband and I split up, got divorced, had to tell my kids, all of it. Essentially, I was rehearsing tragedy. Because JOY IS HARD. My life is great and hard and messy and beautiful and all of it is vulnerable to feel my way through it. I know what disaster looks like and feels like. Those memories are visceral and real and when they come up, I use them now to alert me to LEAN INTO JOY. Lean into love. And that’s hard because I know it could all get taken away at any second. But, I can choose to obsess on that, or I can choose to see it, acknowledge it, and choose love and joy. Rehearsing tragedy for me is me being lazy. It’s easy to do that. It’s hard to surrender to joy. Listen to the episode to get the FULL story!

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And hey-- did you know? YKAL got an upgrade and we have a new website! To celebrate we’re running a giveaway*. To enter, simply do one of two things:

1. Go to Facebook and share this link. Simply click the “share” button and viola! You’re entered. Or...
2. Go to my Instagram account and repost one of the recent posts about my free e-book How the Shit Talking in Your Head is Making You Crazy and 3 Ways to Change it. (It’s easy to use a repost app for that!). Make sure to tag @yourkickasslife so I can enter you.

Details: I’m giving away one of each: A signed copy of my book, a 5-Minute Journal, a Mantra Band, and a Knock-Knock Journal.  (Contest runs from 4/22/16 to 4/29/16 at midnight Eastern time. Winners will be contacted via the social media avenue you entered, so be sure to check your emails/DM’s there. One entry per person. No purchase necessary)

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

How to Handle Your Inner-Mean Girl blog post and podcast episode

Dr. Martha Atkins podcast episode on death, dying, and grief

Rob Bell’s website

Welcome to episode 95 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. This episode is a first for the show: we are talking about death, dying and grief. You might be thinking, “Yeah, no thanks!” And yes, these are things we’ve never covered before but a topic that is incredibly powerful and necessary. Seriously, ass kickers, this was one of my favorite conversations on the YKAL podcast!

Dr. Martha Atkins joins us to share her wisdom on this topic. Dr. Martha is the CEO of her own company, holds a PhD in counseling education and is also a published author on the topic of grief, death and dying.

Even if you’ve never lost a close friend or family member you’ve still been touched by loss. When a relationship ends, a friendship changes or a job doesn’t pan out the way you had hoped, there is loss and with loss comes grief.   

On this episode Dr. Martha shares her personal stories of loss and grief, and what led her to do this work. Episode 95 is a powerful conversation guaranteed to touch you and provide insights on the grief cycle; the insights you hear today will help you the next time you’re faced with any kind of loss.

Hi ass kickers! Welcome to our first edition of Listener Q & A. You sent me your questions, and I’ve answered them on the podcast. If you’re not familiar with the podcast, simply click the pink player button above to listen, or you can find the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast on iTunes (Apple devices) or Stitcher (Android).

I answered three questions on everything from relationships, to the inner-critic, to setting boundaries. And more! I hope you enjoy listening!

At minute 3:51...
My question is, how do I deal with in-laws that I don't trust? My in-laws live several hundred miles away, so I only see them 3-4 times a year. But, whenever I have to see or talk to them, I feel very anxious, tense and guarded. My experience with them has shown that whatever I say or do is closely scrutinized. I have to defend everything I say or do when I'm with them. As a result, I reveal as little of myself as I can. I feel like I'm hiding behind a shield of fabricated blandness. It feels gross and exhausting. I don't trust that they love me unconditionally and I don't trust they have my back. How do I maintain this relationship without all the anxiety and in-authentic posturing? I don't feel safe to let my guard down, but I hate the way this relationship feels and the stress it causes me.
-Sara

I have three juicy questions for Sara to think about, hopefully that will help her think some about the situation from new perspectives. I let her know she may have unrealistic expectations of this relationship and direct her also to another podcast I did with Christine Hassler, author or Expectation Hangover. If anyone has had disappointing relationships, give that episode a listen!

Even if you don’t have the same situation with in-laws that Sara does, you probably have that person in your life where you have the choice to have a conversation with them about something that is unsaid.
___________________________________________________________________

At 11:51...

I have been doing a lot of work on my inner critic. Every time I start to let her come out, I write down everything she says and then flip the paper over to write what I would tell a friend if they told me that stuff. I haven't done it in a while but have became more aware of the thoughts and more able to switch the thoughts. I'm super proud to this!!

But I have started to neutralize myself. Like I don't feel anything. I'm not sure where to go from here. Sometimes I feel bad for not being such a worrier. I’m not feeling the emotions the way I want. I'm missing out on true joy. I'm scared if I feel more than all the bad will rush back in. Yes, I don't feel as miserable but I don't feel happiness either. What are some tools to use to get over this numbing.

Thank you
Amy

First, can we give Amy a HELL YES for doing the work? The tool she used there is from the “quick and dirty” section of my 14-day Gremlin e-course.

I’m so glad Amy asked this question-- this is a typical progression for people that work on their inner-critics. They get to a place where they’re like, “Now what?” In this section of the podcast, I take Amy though some additional exercises to get to “feeling the feels” and drop this quote:
“Be gentle. You are meeting parts of yourself you’ve been at war with.” -from the book, It’s Not About Food

I give Amy 2 more tools to use to help her, and refer her to listen to this podcast episode about how hard it is for so many people to lean into JOY.

At the end of this section of the episode, I talk about the importance of friendships when it comes to processing your feelings. Friendships need to be intentional! I talk more about that here.
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At 25:55...

Not long before I found you, I decided to divorce my husband as my son deserves the opportunity for two happy homes instead of one unhappy home. My son also has autism - his dad and I have separate ideas of what our son needs (part of the reason for the divorce). Reading Brené Brown’s chapter on wholehearted parenting helped me see that I engage in the comparison of who is the better parent. Unfortunately dad has absolutely no interest in trying to co-parent or get additional services for our son. I feel that I can't do enough to help him, while at the same time reassuring that he is good enough as he is. I know I am not the only parent with 50/50 joint custody of a child where the parents are unable to communicate and discuss the best interest of the child, let alone one with special needs. What I am looking for is someone else who has had similar struggles or a way to figure out how I can do the best that I can do while accepting that dad might be doing the same thing (although I will never know as he hides what happens at his home). What I don't want is to put my son though the court system so I can have full custody thinking that I am the "better" parent.

Best,
Autumn

Even if you’re not the single parent of a child with Autism, this portion of the episode will probably help you. I tell Autumn about one of my favorite sayings from 12 step programs that’s always helpful to let go of what someone else is doing or not doing.

In addition, I provide some helpful resources (my son has Autism too), as well as the importance of self-compassion.

Also, OMG also, I talk about boundaries. Here’s the video I mention of my fairy godmother (and yours), Brené Brown talking about just this:

Lastly, I mention the podcast episode I did with Randi Buckley on setting boundaries.

Ass kickers, I hope this episode was helpful for you and if you have a question you’d like answered in our next edition (coming out in about a month or so), shoot us an email at support@yourkickasslife.com.

Hugs and ass kicking,
Andrea

Today is the LAST DAY to grab your bonuses with The Self-Love Revolution Master’s Course home-study! Get your self-lovin’ on for under $100 along with badass bonuses!

Welcome to episode 93 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. Today my new friend from Soul Camp is here to talk about love and relationships. Rachel DeAlto is a certified coach from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) certified coach and a certified hypnotherapist from the International Association Of Counselors & Therapists (IACT). She’s been featured on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN/HLN, The Steve Harvey Show, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, and Glamour, among others. If that wasn’t enough she’s also given two TEDx talks: one on the Power of Kindness and another on Killing Fear! On this episode Rachel shares her perspective on what makes a healthy relationship, what self-love means and how she practices it, plus how to heal a broken heart no matter what stage of grief you are in.