Wed, 27 December 2017
As always, I’m very excited about today’s guest, partly because she’s awesome and partly because we’re talking about a topic I wrote about in my book-- a topic Tanya Geisler is an expert on!
Tue, 26 December 2017
If you’re a new podcast listener, you’ve found another recovery episode, where I have amazing conversations with women in recovery. Today’s guest is no exception! Tiffany Han is a writer, speaker, teacher and coach (as well as a fellow podcast host), and she has an interesting story of recovery.
Wed, 20 December 2017
This is a topic I talk at length about in my book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness. Most people struggle with having hard conversations, as well as setting boundaries. These can be some hard lessons! Enjoy...
Let’s talk about something that doesn’t always kick ass: Tough, awkward conversations.
And I’ll start with a truth: most of us don’t have enough of them. I was just talking to a friend recently who had just moved in with her cousin and was feeling like she had no say in the space. That her cousin/roommate was messy and had her stuff everywhere. So my friend was upset and complaining at length about it.
And I asked, “So what do you plan on doing about it?” And my friend laughed and said she planned on doing nothing. Basically, just continue to complain about it. That having the conversation would be awkward and uncomfortable.
And I wonder– how many of us do this every damn day? How many of us avoid awkward conversations so often that it’s affecting our lives way more negatively that we even know?
You may think I’m nuts- but I think it’s all of us.
I’ll bet you reading this can think of at least one awkward conversation you need to have. Your mom does ____, it bugs the shit out you and you wish she’d stop. Your partner keeps joking with you about ____ and you actually don’t think it’s funny, it hurts your feelings. Your boss is ______ and you really wish she wouldn’t do that. Your best friend is always late and you need to ask her to try harder to be prompt to respect your time.
Almost every single one of my private clients over the last 8 years has had some kind of conversation that’s needed to take place that they’re avoiding. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable. Because they aren’t sure what the outcome will be. What if they other person gets mad? Says no? Gets their feelings hurt? Breaks up with them? Or (insert whatever worst-case scenario you can think of).
Now I’m not going to sit here with my pom-poms cheering you on and just telling you to go out and do it. If that’s all you needed you would have done it by now. What you need are some hard truths and a plan:
Hard truth #1: You have no idea how the conversation will go. No one can promise you it will go well or turn out in your favor. Booo, I know.
Hard truth #2: The problem and/or the way you feel about this will not just go away because you avoid it like a public toilet that desperately needs to be flushed. It actually can get worse. Way worse.
Hard truth #3: I wish this wasn’t the case, but even when you get the tools and do work on yourself, the conversations are still hard. What actually gets better is how you feel having done it. And lo and behold, in most cases your relationship with the other person gets better too.
And now, how do we do this? How do we walk into these difficult conversations without spontaneously combusting with fear and anxiety? (For the record, I don’t believe this has ever happened in real life). Here’s some steps:
I believe a lot of change comes from awkward conversations. We need to have more of them. It’s understandable that you’re scared. So is the person receiving it. And let’s be honest, most of us are scared many moments in the day and you live through those moments too. Change doesn’t happen by staying silent. So, what do you choose?
Tue, 19 December 2017
Welcome back for the fourth episode in this recovery series (in addition to the 10 recovery episodes we aired last year)! My guest today is writer, life & recovery coach and speaker Sasha Tozzi.
Love addiction was a big realization to Sasha after she got sober and today she makes a conscious decision not to put people above her sitting on a pedestal. She also shares that learning how to trust herself and others again was a challenge for her (and so much more).
It’s important to understand that the addictions we are talking about today are isolating addictions, and it is important to have support as we go forward.
Wed, 13 December 2017
For this episode I’m bringing back a repeat guest: the amazing Lori Harder! The first time Lori was here I really connected with her, and I felt like we had some unfinished conversation, which is why I’m so excited to do this today.
Tue, 12 December 2017
Welcome to another recovery episode of the podcast, where today my guest is Aidan Donnelley Rowley. Aidan is a very special human and I’m glad to share her story with you today!
In this episode she goes in detail about her personal journey with drinking, and as you’ll hear, it’s a different story than most. With the help of a therapist, her husband and her immense love for writing, Aidan was able to identify her issues with her drinking and how they were impacting her professional and personal life.
Whether you’re in recovery, or thinking about it, the wisdom Aidan shares today is sure to help you in your own journey.
Wed, 6 December 2017
Today I’m bringing you two things:
First, here is the poem I wrote you. (There’s a lot more context in the podcast episode, so even if you don’t regularly listen, you may want to tune in for this one…)
You are magnificent.
You, woman with listening to these words, stop what you are doing and let that sink in.
No matter what your inner-voice tells you.
No matter what the magazines say.
No matter what our cultures twists us to believe... you are magnificent.
When a woman finally realizes this it’s like seeing two lovers embracing each other at an airport.
It being too unbearably long that they have converged.
Your unembraced magnificence is waiting patiently for you.
It will wait as long as it needs to, whispering quiet invitations to your life.
Will you stop and listen?
If you pause long enough you can hear it calling you.
Breathless storms of light beckoning you home.
Home being that place of magnificence.
You, dear woman, hold more power than you know.
Maybe you’ve caught glimpses of it and it scared you.
Maybe you’ve let it out and someone else squashed it in their own fear.
Maybe you can feel it but deny it.
Maybe you’ve destroyed it before it could even rise up.
Please, I beg you.
Walk towards it.
It won’t hurt you.
You are magnificent.
Second, I talk a lot about what’s in How To Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness including the two main solutions. I mention a lot of links in this episode, so here you go:
Link to pre-order the book, as well as the place to claim your bonuses (use that same link if you’ve already pre-ordered but haven’t claimed your bonuses yet or signed up for the free book club!)
Share the book trailer here on Facebook.
If you know of a podcast you think I should be interviewed on, tell us here.
NYC book signing will be on January 6th. We don’t have a bookstore yet (coming soon!), but please sign up here to be notified about where and what time.
NYC workshop is here (space is VERY limited!)
I hope to see you in one of those cities, if not, I hope to see you in the free book club!
Hugs and ass kicking,
Tue, 5 December 2017
Today I have another recovery episode for you, with my guest Kristi Coulter. I first learned about Kristi when an essay that she had written went viral, and if you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to do so. Even if you’re not in recovery, the messages she shares are so powerful.
Wed, 29 November 2017
I’m so excited to bring you this interview today with my friend Heather Chauvin. With a professional background in mental health, Heather is now a leader in the space of parenting and women’s issues, and she brings her insight (and great energy!) to the show today.
Tue, 28 November 2017
I’m so excited today to be kicking off 10 extra podcast episodes of The Recovery Series! For newer listeners of the podcast, I am a person in long-term recovery from alcohol addiction, and before that faced other addictions like co-dependency.
You would not believe how many people have emailed me to tell me how this series helped them get (and stay!) sober, which is why it means so much to be that I can bring these episodes to you.
The first guest this year of The Recovery Series is Anna David, a New York Times bestselling author of books about addiction, recovery and relationships. Anna is amazing in the recovery world and even wrote a book called Party Girl: A Novel, where she talks openly about her days while still drinking.
Wed, 22 November 2017
Today’s guest is a real life friend of mine – and actually one of the first friends I made when we moved to North Carolina. “Ella” is actually her initials and the name she goes by online, not her real first name (think Beyoncé or Madonna)! She’s so fancy 😉
Wed, 15 November 2017
Hi ass kickers!
Today I’m answering a common questions, and that’s Where do I start in personal development?
There’s so many topics-- from surrender to self-love to forgiveness? Where in the world do we begin? Well, I’ve broken it down into 5 places to look at, as well as created a handy-dandy worksheet for you to follow along and get your own insight into where might be a good place for you to start.
In the episode, I break down these 5 areas:
Hopefully, this episode will give you clear insight to where you can look that will set you up on a path to healing and betterment, as well as let you know you are NOT alone if you’re feeling overwhelmed in not knowing where to start.
Wed, 8 November 2017
In this episode we’re talking all about forgiveness, and today’s guest literally wrote the book on this topic! Emily Hooks is the author of The Power of Forgiveness, and as you’ll hear from this conversation, this subject can be complex.
If life isn’t showing up how you want it to that’s a sign that it’s trying to show us what to heal, forgive or learn. This is what makes it so important that we explore the relationships in our lives, with both ourselves and other people.
Wed, 1 November 2017
Many months ago I sent out a survey looking for what you wanted to hear more of on the podcast, and the results are in! A handful of you wanted to hear more stories from “regular” women (and not experts in personal development), so today I am bringing you a conversation I had with a coaching client of mine.
Janessa Nickell is a client I’ve worked with for many months over this past year, and in this episode she talks about her struggles and what she was facing when she decided to work with me privately. She reveals that through the work that was done, she now has the confidence to be able to do this work on herself, but it wasn’t without becoming extremely vulnerable first. Like everyone, not only does Janessa have a story to tell but now she is going out in the world and sharing it!
The heart of what I do is around vulnerability, shame resilience, and courage. It’s sometimes hard for me to explain what this looks like and it’s easier to hear it coming out of the mouth of someone who’s experienced it. As you’ll hear, it takes a decision and a commitment to the work.
Wed, 25 October 2017
Did you know it’s ok to not love your body? Well you can, and then start taking steps forward and become in tune with it. Here to share her insight on body image (and all things related) is Samantha Skelly, an emotional eating expert who’s revolutionizing the weight loss industry by uncovering the underlying causes of eating disorders.
Wed, 18 October 2017
Hi ass kickers!
Welcome to another Listener Q & A episode! I have my friend Kate on again as we tackle two questions from the YKAL community. Here is question 1:
I found your recovery series compelling and now I know why. I am involved in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic (or at least I think so).
My question is this: I do not know whether I should stay or go. I try to do research on a book to read and to get more information and it is pretty confusing. My therapist agrees that I should leave him. I see book reviews on books that say I should love and understand him and then he and I (codependent) can both heal. I do not know what book to read. I do not know what to do. I just know that my brain is big ball of string when I try to untangle this, and my heart is broken in pieces. -Kathryn
Kate and I are both in agreement that Kathryn should start by taking care of herself, and give her a couple of resources to do that. We discuss the very important thing Kathryn should be clear about before she decides to leave (if she ever decides that) that anyone can contemplate before leaving a committed relationship.
Question 2 is:
I'm not even talking about major curveballs. On Monday I had a goal that I was going to clamp down on for my business. Today was the day.
Then the landlady knocks on the door to say that today is the day the guy is coming to paint, and sorry she didn't tell me earlier, she didn't want to bother me yesterday.
Then I decide to make a plan with a friend of mine to go to her house, so that I don't end up sleeping in paint fumes all day and trying to work in chaos. It works out so perfectly because she happens to be in my area at that very moment and she is able to pick up.
The point is, that day ended up being more of a tagging along doing my friend's errands (one of which has been a huge blessing - saving me a bit of money). But, I couldn't help feeling like I "should" be clamping down on the original goal.
I'll be honest and say that some of my anxiety was due to the fear of lack of focus when I was not in my own home, and I am still learning about how to put up boundaries when I'm with other people and say "hey, I'm kinda working, could you leave me alone?" I am still learning how not to always be the accommodating rather than a decision maker.
I just am tired of that and wanna grow up. So, how does an empowered woman, not go down that spiral and instead recognise what's happening when there is a curveball and use it efficiently? -Niki
Kate and I answer what seems like two questions from Niki: how to say “no” in a polite, yet firm way, and how to surrender to life when things don’t go as planned. We both have different viewpoints about productivity, share our personal experience there and give Niki advice about what to ask herself in those frustrating situations.
Wed, 11 October 2017
I’m excited for you to hear this episode, because it’s the first time I've had a witch on the podcast! Just kidding (sort of) --today my guest is psychic medium Laura Powers, and she’s showing us how each of us can access our own intuition to learn about our true selves.
As Laura shares, we can actually be proactive and take different approaches to reach out to our angels (or guides, as she calls them). We can also learn to recognize when they are trying to reach out to us, and then open ourselves up to this communication.
I think you’ll be fascinated what she has to say, as this episode of the podcast is a real eye opener!
Wed, 4 October 2017
There’s a chance that anyone listening to this podcast has dealt with feelings of anxiety and depression. Our guest today is Quentin Vennie, and he’s openly battled and survived not only these afflictions, but he’s also overcome addiction and now encourages others to be proactive in caring for their mental health.
Wed, 27 September 2017
I’m so excited to bring you today’s show with guest Maria Felipe. Marie is an author who’s achieved success as a model and actress, and used to be a WWF hostess! She has so much energy that it’s infectious, and you’re going to absolutely love listening to her story!
Wed, 20 September 2017
My friend Beth Grant posted something on Facebook recently that caught my attention. She said,
“Purpose is a need of the ego, to make it feel important. I'm much more interested in self-expression. I would much more focus on PATH than purpose. I would want you to do that, too. To find your true path and live it. Every path has a purpose, after all ... life is a learning experience and your path is a means of self-expression.
I've said it a thousand times ... your purpose in life is to be yourself. That's it. It's not more complicated than that.”
I’ve written about purpose before. I’ve always felt it was this thing in personal development that some gurus treat as a kind of secret. That once we find our purpose in life we’ll FINALLY feel like we have all our shit together, we’ll feel like we’re “fixed”, and we can join their secret club and wait for the others to join in. And I think that’s bullshit.
I do feel like I’m lucky and not lucky that I feel I’ve found my purpose, but lucky that I don’t feel the need to find IT. The One Thing. The ultimate portion of my life that will make me feel fulfilled.
To be clear, I actually DO feel like I’ve found my purpose. It’s not life coaching, or mothering my children, or even speaking out about things I’m passionate about. My purpose, like Beth mentions above, is my path. It’s my life.
And I do think that when one does dive into personal development, this becomes a trap. Just another topic to entice people with like the dangling carrot.
I totally understand where this comes from on a deep level. We want to know that our lives matter. We want to feel that we matter. That we’re not just taking up space in this crowded, noisy world.
And I wish I could snap my fingers and just tell you, “Let it go, sister! Your purpose is your path. Just accept it.” and all is well and you can skip along your life feeling relieved. Maybe it is this easy, but what if it’s not? Quite honestly, I don’t think it’s my job to convince you. What I can tell you is one of the things that is paramount in working on is surrender and self-trust.
Surrendering means that you give up the notion that there is this one true destiny for you. That you give up that you have to know The Answer and that if you can just figure it out, you’ll be happier, and that’s your solution. Surrendering doesn’t have to mean you pray over your crystals or mediate to the archangel/goddess/priestess of the day to show you the way. I think those are all fine things to do but that’s not how I do it.
Surrendering to the path means that even when things go what I deem as wrong, I feel whatever I’m feeling, and keep moving forward. I don’t hide, or numb it out, or feel like the world is against me. It literally is what it is. When things don’t go the way I planned or how I wanted, I still get frustrated or angry, but I know on a deep level that I’ll be okay. I actually have NO IDEA if our lives have a pre-determined destiny or if we’re just floating around accidental-like on a breeze like Forrest Gump tells us. Most days I think it’s somewhere in the middle. What I do feel on a deep level is that many of us are what I like to call “seekers”. We’re seeking a deeper meaning of life. We’re seeking to better ourselves. We’re seeking out other people like us. We’re seeking who we really are.
And seekers are typically really, really smart. Hence, having a hard time surrendering. We want to know all these answers asap. I’m like that too. But, what I know to be absolutely true is that the more I try to force the answers, the more I try to seek this purpose, the more stressed and anxious I get. I lose the seeker inside of me.
Self-trust is the sister of surrender. It’s knowing we’re going to be okay. It’s knowing you are loved and a magnificent human being even when things aren’t going well and you feel like you don’t know your purpose. It’s knowing that because you are a seeker, that is your purpose. It’s knowing your path is your purpose.
So, fellow seekers of your purpose. I hope you have found some solace from this post. Your path is your purpose. Your life is your purpose. You being a seeker is your purpose. You’re doing it. You’re fulfilling it. It won’t look perfect, you’ll question it and wonder if you’re doing it right and the answer will always be yes.
Resources from this post:
Sat, 16 September 2017
First, my free workshop on my 3 Most Effective Ways to Manage Your Inner-Critic is coming up on September 21st. Go here to sign up for that or text the word GREMLIN to 444999.
The class: Kick Your Gremlin’s Ass is coming next week too. This is the LAST TIME I will run this live. If you feel your life is being run by negative self-talk, this class is for you! (If you sign up for the workshop above, there’s special bonuses and a price break.)
MY NEW BOOK HOW TO STOP FEELING LIKE SHIT COMES OUT ON JANUARY 2nd! (Pre-order here, y’all) There will be a study group for the book led by yours truly. Registration opens late January, and we’ll start sometime in February. Go here to be the first to know about that.
I’ll also be doing a book tour and hitting cities for book signings, meet-ups and small, exclusive workshops. When I sent out a survey a few months ago many of you said instead of doing multi-day retreats, you’d love to be able to come to a half-day workshop, so that’s what I’m doing! If you want to know if I’m coming to a city near you, click here and sign up to be notified!
RAISE HELL is coming in April. OMG, y’all. I’m so excited for this class I can barely stand it. Raise Hell is about you taking back your life. It’s about figuring out what you want, what you need, asking for it, and going after it with support from me and your group of soul sisters. It’s about accountability and feeling fear and walking through it. It’s about you.
THE MENTORSHIP is coming next fall. We’re diving deeper into things like core beliefs, vulnerability, negative self-talk, shame resilience, and whatever primary focus you bring. There will also be a weekend retreat and 1:1 sessions with me included in this group. For a small group of women by application only.
Wed, 13 September 2017
This is an episode that’s a little more “woo-woo” than normal, but I’ve just been really attracted to these types of topics lately – and y’all get to come along with me!
Lisa Fabrega is a truth-telling coach, writer and innovator in the realm of leadership, and today we’re talking all about our souls and how they will constantly need to be re-aligned due to the societal pressures we face. She also shares with us how we can start to listen to our souls, and a whole lot more interesting information that is sure to get you assessing your own situation.
Wed, 6 September 2017
Everyone has their favorite character from the movie Grease. Maybe you relate to Sandy and her quest for true love, or goofball Frenchie.
For me, my absolute love affair has always been with the character Cha Cha DiGregorio.
Of course she’s a fictional character, played in the movie version by the late Annette Charles, but even as a child I’ve loved her. She played a smaller role in the movie, but it didn’t matter to me. Everything she was about, I loved. However, the attributes of her character that I adored about her, are also the things we, as women, are not particularly celebrated for. In other words, even in the movie, Cha Cha was not well liked.
First, we are introduced to Cha Cha by Kenickie, where she says, “They call me Cha Cha...because I’m the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s” This woman actually does what we are told not to do: brags about herself. She knows she’s the best damn dancer and she tells people SHE JUST MET. HELL YES. And holy crap, she IS a great dancer.
Then, she sees Danny on the dance floor, grabs him and they start dancing, Sandy storms off in a huff. Sandy could have stood up to Cha Cha, she could have said, “Hey Danny, WTF, you came to the dance with me so why are you dancing her her?” But noooo, since we all love Sandy so much, we all feel sorry for her and hate Cha Cha for being such a bitch.
But, the way I looked at it was WOW. Cha Cha sees what she wants and goes after it. And no, I don’t condone snatching other people’s dates, but if we look at this strictly as symbolism, Cha Cha is a woman who doesn’t give a shit if she hurts someone’s feelings. She’s not concerned about “playing nice”
So, she and Danny and killing it on the dance floor, and then this happens
Again, ZERO FUCKS this woman. She couldn’t care less that everyone can see her underwear (bloomers?) and that Danny is basically sitting on her face in front of God and everybody, including the whole school and teachers. Plus, since she goes to St. Bernadette's’, you bet your ass that’s a Catholic school where this kind of behavior is is frowned upon. But, guess who doesn’t care? That’s right, Cha Cha Digregorio.
After the most epic hand jive in the history of the universe commences, OBVIOUSLY with Cha Cha being the dance contest winner (well, you were good too, Danny, but you would have been nothing without her), based on the sheer enthusiasm she has for dancing. I mean, we could all take a lesson from her on doing something you love and running head first into the euphoria of it. Then, the teacher comes out to award the trophy and does Cha Cha patiently wait to have it handed to her? NOPE, she straight up and down snatches that trophy and proudly waves it around with a look on her face of I AM THE GREATEST DANCER THAT EVER LIVED WHY WOULD THERE BE ANY QUESTION EVER THAT THIS TROPHY IS MINE.
God, I love this woman.
Obviously, I’m not saying everyone should take other people’s boyfriends and dance partners whenever they feel like it. I am however, asking you to take a closer look at this character and see the parts of her many of us can take lessons from.
LIFE LESSONS FROM CHARLENE “CHA CHA” DIGREGORIO
She sees what she wants and goes after it. She saw an opportunity and went after it. Where in your life have you passed up opportunities because you didn’t think you were qualified enough, smart enough- basically not good enough? Probably somewhere. Would Cha Cha pass up that opportunity for a promotion? Nope. Would she not speak up in a meeting because she felt other people wouldn’t like her ideas? Nope again. She knows deserves it and if it doesn’t work out? Meh, there’s always next time. There will always be a next time.
She owns her superpower. She knows she is a great dancer. She tells people. She doesn’t care that other people are great dancers too. She allows herself to be free, embraces it, and even breaks the rules to fully throw herself into her dancing. Would Cha Cha be worried that other people might judge her dancing? Not a chance. I hope you can look in the mirror, know your superpower, and LOVE yourself for it.
When people clearly don’t like her, she gives exactly zero fucks about it. When Frenchie mentions Cha Cha’s “worst reputation” I thought the gym would light on fire with the glare she shoots Frenchie. Cha Cha seems to have no female friends, only the boys and she doesn’t care. She could have burst into tears, she could have chased the Pink Ladies around trying to be friends, she could have apologized to Sandy for stealing her date, but she does. Not. Care. She’s not there to make friends, she’s there to have a good time. Of course I’m all for friendships-- but where in your life could you ease up on giving so many shits about what everyone thinks? Where are you spending a metric shit-ton of energy worrying if people are talking about your or not?
From now on when I’m doubting myself, or worried about anything, I’m going to ask myself, “What would Cha Cha DiGregorio do?” And I hope you can adopt that too.
Wed, 30 August 2017
Today we have Isabel Foxen Duke joining me again on the podcast, this time to talk about how women are experiencing the diet culture. I love having Isabel as a guest and I’m excited because she is an absolute expert on this topic!
Wed, 23 August 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
I’m joined today by best selling author (and so much more!), Shannon Kaiser. Shannon’s new book is called The Self-Love Experiment: Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself, which goes along so well with what we talk about here on the Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast.
Through her work, Shannon shows others how to fall in love with their lives and fearlessly live their full potential. But do we really know what self-love is, and how to love the parts of us that we think are unlovable?
Wed, 16 August 2017
So, the way it works over here is that the weekly emails and podcast episodes get ready several days in advance. Saves everyone on the YKAL team some stress and what can I say— I like to be prepared.
And then the events in Charlottesville, Virginia happened on Saturday.
I’ve been sitting here at home with my kids sick over it, spending long moments staring off into space feeling worried, helpless, hopeless, angry, and afraid. (Which I know this is my privilege to do so). Wondering if I should halt all podcast episodes and other events I have going on. Seems ludicrous to talk about anything but that.
The thing is, racism is all around us. It’s in our faces. And it can only be dismantled if we talk about it, get uncomfortable confronting and admitting our own biases, rinse and repeat. There is more, but as I have mentioned— I am not the expert here. If you missed some episodes where we dive more into this, you can check them out here and here.
Yes, we can choose kindness and love and all those wonderful things, but we cannot sit by and do nothing. Reading and listening is a great first step. Some great pieces of writing I’ve read lately are Most Women You Know Are Angry— And That’s All Right, by Laurie Penny, and Dear White Women: This Is Definitely Us, by Janelle Hanchett (which, btw, Janelle is coming on the recovery series podcast in December. Get ready).
And at the end of the day, the beat still goes on. We can do both— work on our own personal development, live our lives, and love our people and at the same time try to dismantle the racism all around us.
For full post visit: http://yourkickasslife.com/164
Hey Ass Kickers!
In this episode I’m bringing on a guest that has a similar story as mine, in that he too had a painful divorce that became the catalyst for his better life. John Kim created the blog The Angry Therapist, and although he has a background in clinical therapy, he’s now unconventional and shaking up this model and actually forming a movement.
Wed, 9 August 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
I can absolutely guarantee that this episode of the podcast is unlike any that you’ve listened to (as if you couldn’t tell by the title)? I wanted to do something a bit different, so I’m bringing on two good friends, and pasts guests: Amy Smith of The Joy Junkie and Kira Sabin of The League of Adventurous Singles.
Both Amy and Kira will be co-hosting Tanning, Tacos and Transformation with me, and I thought this episode would be a great way for me to introduce you to them - if you don’t already know who they are!
I promise you are going to hear some personal development and topics we talk about a lot of the podcast: worthiness, confidence, boundaries, relationships and more. Most of this chat though is us asking each other some ridiculous questions, for which we have some even more ridiculous answers.
I do want to warn you that there is a lot of foul language in this one, and it contains probably the most bad words I’ve ever had in an episode (needless to say, today’s conversation isn’t for children)!
Wed, 2 August 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
Wed, 26 July 2017
Hi ass kicker! I’m so excited to have returning guest (two weeks in a row!) Elizabeth DiAlto on the show today for another Q & A episode.
So many of you-- on your quest to live YOUR kick-ass life, have dreams, goals, and ambitions, But, what happens when not everyone is onboard or in our cheering section? The two questions today are from women in the YKAL community who are asking just that. We're talking about some really juicy topics, so let’s dive in…
The first question comes from Jennifer. She asks:
How do you stay committed to your dream when your spouse or significant other is not on board? How do you continue to speak your truth and not just bite your tongue and abandon your dream to keep the peace?
Elizabeth and I talk about what to do in that situation-- do you keep trying to get your partner on board, or do something else? We have advice!
Then, Rachel asks a similar question:
What do you do when you feel like your dreams and ambitions are surpassing those of your family members, and they don't know how to handle it? I've grown a lot over the last couple years, but some of my older siblings haven't. I feel like I'm "showing off" around them now, or like I have to act less-developed or hold back. These are people I still want in my life. I almost feel guilty for growing ? I don't, by any means, feel like I'm better than them, at all. I'm just in a different stage of my personal development journey than they are, and it feels uncomfortable.
For Rachel, is this a boundaries issue? Should she “quiet herself down”? We’ve got answers to these Q’s and my guest Elizabeth was the perfect person to have on to help sort things out!
And hey-- if you liked this episode you would LOVE the free workshop we are hosting tomorrow! Well, ELizabeth is going to do most of the talking and I'll be more of her sidekick. I love these kind of live workshops because we get to interact with you and I will be giving away a signed copy of my book during the workshop! Plus, we have a private, “pop-up” Facebook group that you’re invited too (also free) where we can further the conversation.
The workshop is titled Four Things You Can Do To Clear Out The BS In Your Life and Be More Receptive To What You Actually Want and you can head over to yourkickasslife.com/elizabeth to sign up for free, or click the image below. See you there!
Wed, 19 July 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
Today I’m joined by my friend, and another past guest of the podcast, Elizabeth DiAlto! Elizabeth is a teacher, leader, speaker and coach (as well an author and podcast host) and she is known for her raw, honest and grounded approach to self-help and spirituality.
In this episode you’re going to hear all about the workshop Elizabeth and I are presenting this month, specifically for the Your Kick-Ass Life audience, surrounding practical tools for women to be more receptive to what they want in life.
Wed, 12 July 2017
Hi ass kickers! It’s a listener Q & A day! Today I bring on my long-time friend, Courtney Webster, to help me answer three questions from some awesome ladies in the YKAL community. Here they are and what we cover in today’s episode:
I don't know how to phrase it...you finally decided to make a radical change or take a huge risk toward something big. How to overcome the resulting fear and doubt and keep the momentum. - Karen
The second listener question is similar to Karen’s, but so important to help creating the life you want.
How do you not to go into "avoidance or stall mode" when your inner-critic starts in on your big change plan resulting in you not proceeding with your plan! - Diane
Courtney and I talk about:
Our last question is one I thought SO many of you could relate to…
How do you stop yourself from obsessing or overanalyzing something that someone said to you? Or replaying situations or conversations in your mind? As the Frozen girls would say, how do you "let it go" when it is something not worth asking the other person about or clarifying with them? I feel like in today's world, especially with texting, it is so easy to assume someone is mad when at you when they just text back an emoji thumbs up, or worse, the letter 'k." How do you stop turning something into a big deal in your head when most likely they were just tired, stressed, or too busy to think of a better response? -Stefanie
For this question we discuss:
Also, If you’d like to get twice a month updates on free workshops and if I have a new class open for registration, simply text the word UPDATES to 444999. Enjoy the episode!
Wed, 5 July 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
In this episode, Jen Sincero returns as a guest of the Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast. Jen is a #1 NY Times Bestselling Author with her book, You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life and she’s helped countless people transform their personal and professional lives.
Last time Jen was on the show, she shared all about the power of surrender, why creativity isn’t limited to just art, and powerful exercises to get clear on who you are and why you’re here. Today, we’re talking about something we all face: how to uplevel your mindset around money, identifying the fears you’re carrying and how to overcome them so you can live your best life possible.
Jen reveals today what you’ll learn from her latest book, You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth. With a title like that, you know this is an episode that you need to tune into!
Wed, 28 June 2017
Hi ass kickers! Today I’m talking about therapy. More specifically, how to choose a therapist that’s right for you as well as how to get the most out of therapy.
First, why therapy? If you keep repeating the same patterns, if you’re blaming a lot (you are tolerating bullshit or not taking responsibility for your own shit, or both) then therapy is for you.
If you have Family of Origin issues (who doesn’t?), then therapy is for you. Not a place to blame and shame your family, but to see what core beliefs were developed as a result of the wounds that happened as you grew up.
If you need a safe place to talk to someone, therapy is for you.
First, how do you find a therapist that’s best for us? Google? Just get a referral from someone? A therapist whose website says they have a specialty you need?
Well, with my own years of experience of therapists, having great ones and not so great ones, here’s my advice and the advice of the smartest people I know: My Facebook friends. In this episode you’ll hear some highlights (keep in mind, I go into more detail on the podcast that what you’ll read below):
First, how to find one:
Stacy says, “Research their areas of concentration. Have an initial meeting, chemistry is important. Honesty is important, it is hard to be vulnerable, but the best therapist in the world cannot help if you keep things from them.”
Patty says, “You are about to spend A LOT of time with this person so have an initial call or session to determine if you click. Plan to interview at least 3 but possibly 10 therapists to find a good one. It used to be that a therapist approach (cognitive, behavioral etc) was important but almost every therapist says they are "eclectic" now so ask them what they believe creates change for someone. See if their answer resonates with you. Most of all trust your gut.”
Jennifer says, “Listen to your intuition in terms of how you feel interacting with them, ensure they have a specialization and/or experience in your presenting issues (it's hard to be truly skilled at everything).”
Lisa says, “Check their license to see if they have had any disciplinary actions against them first! Go with your gut. I prefer someone who has been in practice for a while and took the time to get paneled on many insurance companies boards. They might be more legitimate. Anyone can say the specialize in a topic so I do not take that too seriously.”
Mish says, “I want someone who isn't going to go off in tangents about their life. Someone who is willing to ask deep questions and isn't narrow focused. Someone who is personable but professional.”
How to get the most out of therapy:
Jennie says, “Doing what your therapist says and giving things a try for longer than half a second.”
Emma says, “Know that you have to be willing to go to the hard places. They support you, they don't fix you. You discover you don't need fixing.
The willingness to look at yourself will move mountains.
Don't expect results in two sessions - it takes time to build rapport and heal.
You need to connect with your therapist. If you don't feel comfortable with them, you won't do your best work, even if they have ten degrees. Equally, they're not supposed to be your friend. They are there to challenge, hold and support you. You have actual friends to listen to you and tell you you're right to be mad at your ex or whatever is going on for you.”
Ericka says, “If you are a person of color, having a therapist willing to talk about race or racial backgrounds and trauma. It's imperative as sometimes you need to explore all the reasons you might have pain. When I had this from my therapist, it was a blessing. She was amazing to add that perspective to my work.”
Kimberly says, “The importance of not being afraid to walk away. Even if it's your first time - if you aren't comfortable - YOU CAN find someone else. It's worth taking the time to keep going until you find someone you click with. I know how annoying repeating the "why you are here" story is, but it's better to do it over and over than waste your time and money. Go to someone YOU like and maybe that's different than someone your friend recommended. Also understand the different types of therapy that exist.”
Kelly says, “I feel like a therapist's worldview is really important to know -- but traditionally, therapist's are not supposed to disclose their worldviews or politics. I had an experience, however, in which a therapist suggested I should be more conventionally feminine and that some of my issues would fade away if I behaved in that way in my relationship. Obviously, that's not going to happen and so our two worldviews were a fundamental mismatch. It was then important to me that I find a feminist therapist who wouldn't advise me to change who I was or alter my deliberately chosen commitments in order to navigate the world. So that's what I would advise, and it's counter to the way the profession is organized: know your therapist's worldview and collective inclinations/commitments.”
Erin says, “As a therapist, I emphasize that I'm human first, trained clinician second. In other words, I am not on a pedestal, I've struggled with several similar issues as well in my life--I've just gone to school/practiced to learn the tools, thoughts, etc to move through.
I also let them know that I will circle back after our 2nd session to make sure client feels as though we are a fit-if not, I will help client find someone who is. I've had far too many clients say that they've stayed with therapists in the past way too long despite not feeling a connection because they didn't know how to "stop going." This is often one of our first "lessons" together of empowerment.
Lastly, I emphasize that after 20 years I think I've heard it all hopefully allowing them to feel as though they can bring up challenging topics without the fear of being judged.”
I have one spot open for 1:1 clients to start in August. There are two types of packages I offer to work with my privately, my most popular package is The Daring Way™, based on the research of Brené Brown. It’s a 5 month deep dive which takes you from a place of fear into courage and confidence.
Wed, 21 June 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
Have you ever considered the deeper meaning behind personal development, and the self-help industry as a whole? This episode today with guest Andrea Ranae is guaranteed to get you thinking (and talking), and what she talks about affects everyone, not just coaches or someone in the self-help industry.
Wed, 14 June 2017
Today’s episode is a bit different than my usual. I’ve brought on Amy Smith (my best friend and The Joy Junkie) as I tell the story of my father’s terminal illness and death, what it’s been like, and what I’ve learned in the seven months since it’s happened. Amy shares the story of her father’s death too.
Amy prompts me to answer the questions of:
How has it been doing all of this sober?
What has this taught you?
I thank you all for listening to this episode-- it was not easy to record, but I’m thankful for Amy for helping me and for all of you for being there. I hope this helps any of you who’ve also loved someone you love, have been through any grief of your own, or to help anyone that will someday walk this same path.
Wed, 7 June 2017
On today’s episode I welcome Tatiana Jerome to the show to give it to us straight – as a woman who doesn’t sugarcoat the truth! Her personal experiences led her to not just a successful online presence but also a career counseling women and a public speaking. Tatiana teaches how to focus on loving and taking care of ourselves first. As she shares, by prioritizing your relationship with yourself, you won’t get lost in relationships with others - and she shares fascinating insights around this topic today.
Wed, 31 May 2017
Hi ass kickers,
Today is a Listener Q & A day! Thank you so much to those of you who’ve submitted questions for the podcast. We have two today, so let’s get started:
The first Q is from Stacey:
I absolutely love your book and your podcast. As a 25 year old with loads of anxiety, I have gained a ton of knowledge and also a great sense of support with your community.
I've been seeing a therapist for a year, and I definitely have found myself obsessing over emotions and feelings when my sessions begin and end. Have you ever stopped therapy to take a break? It sometimes makes me feel like I put so much focus on feelings that I obsess over them and lose the rational side of myself.
The answer I give covers, anxiety and what to do about that, self-trust and much more. Listen in to hear my answer/experience/advice!
For the second Q, I bring my one of my dearest friends, Kate Anthony, (you may remember her from another listener Q & A on divorce and heartbreak). This question comes from a listener named Amy:
I would love a podcast about what it really means and looks like to be with your feelings. I alternate between numbing and anxiety that can go into full blown panic attacks. It’s causing problems at work and more importantly my marriage. I'm not as patient with my kids and really just don't want to deal with anything at all. Why can't there be a 12-step to dealing with depression and anxiety? What do I do next?
In addressing this question, Kate and I talk about:
My immense thanks to these two podcast listeners for submitting their questions. Your courage is inspiring and helps others. If you’d like to submit a question to the podcast, you can shoot an email to firstname.lastname@example.org with “question for the podcast” in the subject line.
Wed, 24 May 2017
In this episode I’m joined by Alexandra Jamieson, who is on a mission to start a happiness pandemic in the USA. How you ask? Alex aims to inspire women to fall in love with their bodies and play life by her own rules! You may recognize Alex from her co-starring role in the massively popular 2004 documentary, Super Size Me. She’s here today to share her experiences and knowledge about the different types of cravings we get as women, and to educate us on why listening to our bodies is absolutely necessary.
Wed, 17 May 2017
Today’s post/episode could have been titled simply, “Tips to Live a Better Life” -- it simply is tips on how to make your life better, more peaceful, and yes, how to make your dreams come true. So, here they are, in no particular order...
Wed, 10 May 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
Today’s guest on the podcast is Lisa Steadman, a long-time friend of mine and all-around awesome lady. Her energy is infectious and I’m sure you’ll love her! In this episode we’re talking all about happiness, and embracing the spot that you’re currently in. Lisa shows us that you can be happy with where you are in life, but still that doesn’t mean that you’re finished growing or changing either.
Wed, 3 May 2017
I believe people change for two reasons: Pleasure and/or pain. They see something they want or want more of, and they go after it. And sometimes, they get to a place where they cannot stand for one more day being where they are, so they move out of the situation. Sometimes it looks like taking action, sometimes it’s inner-work, many times it’s a combo of the two.
And there are the type of people who are feeling anywhere from uncomfortable to downright shitty in their life, and maybe they don’t know why. So, I’ve compiled a list of signs that are huge red flags that it’s time to make a change. Check off as needed…
1. You’re ridiculously envious of other people lives. You think everyone has it better and easier than you do. You want a marriage like your neighbor. You want to love your job like your sister does. You want a more fun life like that one lady on Facebook. You want to dance like the Solid Gold dancers of 1979. Whatever it is you’re envying, it means you want something more in your life. That you admire something about that other person. So, why can’t you have it? If you think you can’t, I call bullshit. Your commitment to “can’t” is simply a story you’re tied to. Divorce that story and marry a new one. Seriously, you guys, it’s ALL about the story you tell yourself.
2. You’re feeling resentful. I.e. pissed. Frustrated. Irritated. Resentments are a sure sign that a few different things might be happening in your life.
3. You’re numbing out. We all want to feel relief fast. Sometimes that relief comes in spending money, drinking booze, or losing ourselves playing Candy Crush Saga. But, what are you avoiding when you’re numbing out on a regular basis? Is it your marriage? Your fears? Your insecurities?
For me, I used to numb out when I was overwhelmed. Perfectionism and control ruled me and since neither were ever something I could attain, I felt worse about myself. So, I drank, shopped, and dieted in an attempt to gain perfection and control and to numb the feelings of failure and fear. And then I felt worse and the cycle started all over again. I was avoiding my real feelings (surrender, acceptance, and vulnerability scared the holy shit out of me) rather than facing and feeling them. But clearly, it was time for a change.
Facing your issues instead of numbing out is scary, I get it. But the truth is that it DOES NOT go away if you just ignore it. In fact, it gets worse. I cannot encourage you enough to just deal with it.
4. You’re trying to change everyone else, or at least think everyone else needs to change. If everyone would just do as you say, and stop doing this and that, and just STFU, your life would be better. Ahhhhhh…..
Truth: Everyone else’s shit is not about you. Deal with your own and keep your side of the street clean. I can’t tell you how much better my own life has become since I realized this and stopped (by no means mastered. More like one day at a time) running around like a lunatic trying to change, fix, tweak, and control other people and my circumstances. What needs to be changed in your life is you dealing with your own issues instead of everyone else’s. Trying to “fix” everyone else while ignoring your own life is a chicken-shit way to feel better. (TWEET THAT!) And it doesn’t work. So, face your own stuff and make that therapy appointment. (And P.S. while you’re there watch out for spending the whole hour complaining about everyone else.)
5. Your intuition is telling you that you need to make a change. This one sounds like a no-brainer, but I had to add it. You may already be at that place where your gut and heart are telling you to draw the damn line in the sand already and change, but you may not be listening. The fear of change trumps the fear of staying the same. But, ask yourself:
How scary is it to be in this same place 5, 10, or 20 years from now? Still not as scary as changing?
Your intuition is your subconscious mind that always has your back, always knows what’s best for you, and always wants to lead you to a place of happiness and fulfillment. But, the journey is many times unknown and crazy-scary so we ignore it or go in the opposite direction. So tell me, when has ignoring your intuition ever worked out for you?
So, there you have it. And if you liked this post, I'd love for you to share it. Because you never know who might need a change.
Wed, 26 April 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
On today’s podcast I’m joined by Julie Parker, CEO and Founder of The Beautiful You Coaching Academy (with 200 trained life coaches from around the world and growing by the hundreds every year)!
As you’ll see, Julie has a fascinating journey and insights on self-love. She’s is a modern day Priestess and she’s going to share what this is all about, along with how it ties into the divine female that we’ve been repressing for so long. Even if you’re new (like me) to what the whole “Priestess” thing is-- I think you’ll like this episode :)
Wed, 19 April 2017
Today’s episode is about your personal development journey and what it looks like. More specifically, for people who maybe like to “hoard” or collect personal development tools, but not use them. Or people who join personal development classes, read books, and listen to podcasts, but take no action.
And the reasons are plenty-- you’re just not ready. Maybe you’re scared it won’t work for you, scared of the uncomfortableness of the work or not committed enough to change.
To be fair-- most people spend some time in that place of collecting personal growth ideas and tools and doing nothing with them. But...are you living there?
This episode will help you see if you’re doing this, let you know you’re normal, as well as what personal development actually looks like. Because it’s one thing to say, “I want a kick-ass life!” But...what does that really mean?
And of course, wherever you are is perfect for you! It’s the awareness that’s the win! I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode as much as I enjoyed recording it for you ;)
Oh, and P.S...there’s an extra bit in the beginning about facing my birthday while grieving my father's death. I always try to give you a bit of real life.
If you’re ready to JUMP IN to your personal development, I invite you to join us one last time as I guide you through The 30-Day Experience. We’ll look at your core belief system (the beliefs that are fueling your negative self-talk), your habits that are making you feel like shit (the perfectionism, people pleasing, numbing out, isolating, you know...good ol’ self-sabotage). Learn how to be kind to yourself, have more self-confidence and have better relationships with the people you care about.
Wed, 12 April 2017
Today I welcome back a recurring guest of the podcast, my dear friend Jo Casey. Jo joined us in a previous episode of Your Kick-Ass Life to talk about the business of life coaching, but today, we’re looking at something different: How women are conditioned by our culture to be “acceptable women.”
Wed, 5 April 2017
The term “Play Big” gets thrown around like crazy lately. And you might wonder—what does that even mean or look like? How do you know if you’re playing small? I know this firsthand because I played small for most of my life. It wasn’t until I fell flat on my face and rebuilt my life did I see what was happening and how to change it (and the best part was that *I* was totally in charge).
I thought about the foundation to what it is to actually live a big life. So, here’s a list of in my experience, what it looks like to Play Big:
There is no guarantee things will work out the way you envision when you do get out there and play big but you must understand that if you wait years or decades to go after what you want, to “play big” until you feel like you finally “have what it takes” you might be waiting forever. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to stretch and go after the big things you want, but the alternative is to do nothing. And doing nothing and someday regretting your decision is going to be WAAAAAY more uncomfortable than trying to step outside of your comfort zone now.
There is still time to join us for the 7-Day Courage Challenge! Join the hundreds of women already signed up for a week of learning how to manage your negative self-talk and how to cultivate self-compassion and courage. Click this link to sign up.
Fri, 31 March 2017
Mini-sode 144 is all about negative self-talk.
Because you don’t have a “life balance” problem.
You don’t have a “not promoted enough” problem.
You don’t have an “I don’t work out enough” problem.
You have a problem with the way you speak to yourself.
In this episode I tell you about my experience learning how to manage my own negative self-talk, and how I came to find out about it just as my life fell apart in 2007.
Join us on April 3rd as I host the wildly popular FREE 7-Day Courage Challenge! Hundreds of women just like you. 10 minutes a day. Learn how to change your life. Click here to join us.
Wed, 29 March 2017
Hey there Ass Kickers!
I’m so excited for you to meet my guest today, Kathleen Booker. I met Kathleen over a year ago and I’m excited to finally have her on the podcast to introduce you to her as well. She’s an inspirational coach whose energy has been described as “infectious” (and you’ll know why after hearing her speak today)!
Wed, 22 March 2017
If you've been over in these parts of town for any length of time, you know I talk a lot about numbing out and how it can be harmful for us. I’ve talked about my own sobriety and even have a recovery series on my podcast.
The truth is: we like to escape. We typically don't like to feel our feelings. Life is hard and sometimes agonizing. Not many of us are equipped to handle life's struggles, so we find things to escape from it.
And the message we might be getting is that we shouldn’t ever do this. We shouldn't ever numb out. We need to be with our feelings, be present to our life no matter how difficult it is.
So, is escapism ever okay?
Honestly, my short answer is yes. I don’t by any means expect people to fully let go of all of their numbing mechanisms. I just don’t believe there’s any way we can let go of them and go through life with all the pain and agony there is to experience. Some of the most evolved humans I know still sometimes choose numbing over facing their problems and feelings around it. Even Brené Brown talks about a time where she read a bunch of mean comments about herself on the Internet and promptly “grabbed a jar of peanut butter, a blanket and watched ten hours of Downton Abbey.”
So, the question becomes what is healthy escapism and what isn't?
I think the first question to ask yourself, is is your escapism chronic? In other words, are you eating too much cake every day? Or are you shopping online and putting yourself in debt? Drinking an entire bottle of wine every night? Not tending to your kids’ needs because you’re playing Candy Crush like it’s your job? Most of the time, you know when it’s too much. Denial is a powerful thing, but there comes a time when the pain of staying in your numbing mechanism outweighs the pain of facing the real problem underneath it all.
And sometimes, we-- as high achieving, smart women-- can tend to let the pendulum swing completely the other way. We get “permission” to numb out sometimes and get what I call “a case of the fuck-its.” We know we’re doing it-- we know we’re numbing out, and we at that moment, don’t care. We eat All The Cake. Drink All The Wine. And maybe that’s part of your process to do that a few times. And if it is, when you’re done, check in to see how you feel.
How is your self-talk when that happens? Usually, not so good. I’d bet you’re beating yourself up for eating All The Cake, or drinking All The Wine. And you beat yourself up internally, then you feel like shit...and how do we stop feeling like shit? More cake and more wine.
This topic comes up a lot with my clients, and I always ask the same questions:
Are you doing it (insert numbing mechanism of choice) to consciously comfort yourself? Or are you doing it mindlessly, unconsciously hoping you’ll escape from your life and your struggles indefinitely?
If it’s the latter, then I ask: What is the problem you are trying to solve?
Because it’s never about the cake or the wine or the Internet or the shoes. It’s about the problem-- the pain/fear/hurt you’re trying to make go away.
And I think this goes without saying-- but I’ll say it anyway-- the pain never goes away. But, you-- YOU have to get to a point where you’re done trying to escape from it. I can’t be the one to tell you the only way out is through and the way to “get over it” is to process it all. It’ll go in one ear and out the other until YOU are ready to stop running, turn around and look it in the face.
Escapism works until it doesn’t. And when it’s done working for you and you learn how to cope in healthier ways and learn to process feelings instead of numbing them, you’ll get to a point when you fall back on numbing and you’re all inside it and realize QUICKLY what you’re doing. And to be honest, that kind of sucks. It’s like that moment you’re arguing with someone and you suddenly realize you’re wrong and they’re right. DAMN. Do you stop and tell them? Or do you keep arguing your point? Both feel like shit. But one honors who you are.
So, when you’re ready, you’re ready. When escaping and numbing out aren’t working for you anymore, do the work to process, feel and cope with your emotions. I promise you won’t die. You’ll be stronger, more self-aware, more self-confident, and more of your biggest, most kick-ass self.
Need support with your inner-critic? Join me and lots of women just like you as I personally take you through the 7-Days of Courage Challenge! It’s one thing to read about it, but a whole nother animal when you put the tools into ACTION! We start April 3rd! Sign up for free here.
Wed, 15 March 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
Today you’re in for a treat, as our guest is an expert who is going to help us be our sexiest self! Melissa Ramos has a goal of adding a little sass to healthy living for women, and she looks at things from a slightly different perspective than most of us – starting from the inside out. On this episode, Melissa shows us how hormones or digestive issues could actually be holding us back from being as sexy as we could be, and why the answer to your health is in your poop!
Wed, 8 March 2017
Two weeks ago I wrote about how YKAL is evolving, maturing, and what this means for you and for me. If you haven’t read it or listened, you can find it here.
As I mentioned in that post, we are currently in a time where the U.S. (and other parts of the world) is extremely politically polarized. Social media was noisy enough before and now it’s been taken to a whole new level. And what I’m experiencing over here as an online business owner with a platform-- a community of people who listen to what I have to say via my podcast, blog, and social media-- is that I have a choice whether to talk about about this or not. I can continue to just go on “business as usual,” or I can implement my voice on these matters. There’s different ways this can look, but the choice is pretty black or white: Either I talk about it or I don’t.
Several months ago, a colleague of mine, Racahel Maddox, posted on Facebook about this. This was before the election, even before the real messiness of it all. She was calling us out-- us being privileged people with online platforms. She was specifically calling out life coaches and those in the wellness industry with online platforms who were choosing to stay quiet about social justice issues.
Who the hell does she think she is telling me what to do and how to run my business? I thought to myself. My belief was that no one can tell me how I speak out. No one can tell me what is right and what is wrong. No one can tell me I am a bad person because I choose to take my sweet ass time to decide what to do about this (that’s not what she said, but what I made up she said). In other words, I was personally offended and taken aback.
After my ego left the room (it took a couple of weeks), I thought about why I reacted that way. And the conclusion I came up with was this:
I was embarrassed because she called our asses out.
I was scared because deep down I knew she was right-- I knew it was my responsibility to talk publicly about these social issue, but I didn’t know how.
I felt guilty because I hadn’t spoken out sooner.
I was worried how this would affect my reputation and my business, both I’ve worked hard on building over the last 10 years.
All valid (and common) feelings, but feelings that are a) laden with privilege and white lady tears and b) don’t change the world.
Then, the election happened, then the inauguration, then the whole country got flipped upside down and set on fire.
And I thought about what Rachael had said. She was right. What I had to admit and knew in my heart all along, what I know now deep in my bones is this:
As people of privilege-- as a white, straight, able-bodied, upper middle class person in the wellness industry with an online platform to spread a message, it is my responsibility to speak out about social justice issues.
If I was a realtor or a hairdresser or a mechanic, I don’t think it would necessarily be my responsibility to integrate it into my business. But, this is the wellness industry. We teach people how to be better people. How to “change the world.” For fucks sake we teach people how to empower themselves, stand up for what they believe in, and speak up. To use their voices even if they are scared. To do what’s right even if it’s unpopular.
And as facilitators of this work, we cannot teach these things, take money for teaching these things, and not do them ourselves. We need to both model what this looks like as well as spread the message that what is happening all around us is not fucking okay.
Andréa Ranae sums it up perfectly,
“TO THE COACHES, HEALERS, GUIDES, MENTORS AND OVERALL DO-GOODERS OF THE WORLD WHO DON'T WANT TO BRING "POLITICS" INTO YOUR WORK, CONSIDER THIS:
Your work could bring massive sustainable change to many lives, families, and communities, but it won't if you don't critically look at the social context that you're working within.
The problems you help solve for your clients are most often symptoms of a much deeper and widespread systemic problem that we must get to the root of. You say you want to change the world, but what is it, in the world, that you want to change? You've got to name it to tame it.
Our socioeconomic and environmental issues affect every single one of the people you work with either actively or passively.”
So, what is it that we, as life coaches, healers, whatevers, want to change for our people?
I know many of you reading this care a lot about marginalized people, the LGBTQ community, Planned Parenthood and women’s reproductive rights, the refugee crisis, feminism, black lives matter, the ACA, dismantling patriarchy, rape culture, sex trafficking, the list goes on and on. And I know many of you take action in your homes and communities, maybe even speak out on your personal Facebook pages sometimes.
But, you guys. When we do this-- when we don’t speak out at all, or when we only do it quietly in the echo chamber of our personal Facebook page or with our friends in real life-- we’re sending a message. The message is: these matters do matter to me, but only if it doesn’t risk my business. Only if I can take action behind the scenes, quietly and not create any liability that people may disagree, unfollow me, not sign up for my online classes, etc. When quiet, the message being sent is clear: Social justice matters to me but not at the expense of my bottom line.
The message also tells your followers that to say nothing is also okay for them too. That if you’re staying quiet in your privileged little bubble, by all means, they can too.
We can’t go on with business as usual. Things have changed. THE PARTY IS OVER.
And to be frank, I don’t think many, if any of us were excited this has happened. “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to risk losing people in my audience. I can’t wait for these uncomfortable conversations. I can’t wait to sit down and figure out how I’m going to approach these subjects and be a leader now that everything has changed.”
But, we are being called upon to lead. We are being called upon to show up. We are being called upon to be courageous and show what it means to take care of each other, walk our talk, and actually “be the change.”
So, what do we do?
That’s the question I’ve been asked, I’ve been asking everyone, and tossing and turning at night trying to figure out. As I said in my last post about this, there’s no guidebook for this, no step-by-step process. But, when you’ve been called upon for something like this, you just jump. Standing around trying to figure out which angle to take, being scared, agonizing over how to do it, isn’t making the world a better place. I know, I did it for months.
First things first, think about why you haven’t said anything, or why you’ve decided to not. Some experts in the self-help field say that when we make decisions, we are making them either out of love or fear. I think this applies here. Have you made the decision to remain silent out of fear? Fear of losing followers? Fear of saying the wrong thing? Fear of being asked questions you don’t know the answer to? Fear of not knowing where to start? Fear of losing business?
Or, are you making the decision out of love? And if so, love for whom? Love for what?
I’ll give you a place to start. Write a blog post, an e-blast, or make a video of you telling your people honestly that X, Y, and Z social justice issues matter to you. They matter to you and you’re feeling this and that, and you don’t know where to go from here. Tell them the truth. That you’re uncomfortable. Because they probably are too. You don’t have to even mention names of government officials. This doesn’t have to be about politics, this is about people. This is about us.
Tell your audience whatever you’re feeling. Fear, guilt, confusion, whatever. You know yourself and your audience best.
Then you have options. You can ask them what they want. You can help them sort through their feelings in order to help them take action. You can tell them where to take action. You can educate them on the different social issues that mean the most to you. You don’t have to pick them all. What’s most important to you? The environment? Women’s issues? Pick one or two and make it your go-to. Information and education is KEY in changing the world.
You can take pictures and show yourself in activism. That is leadership. (If you’re in a place where you don’t know where to start, do some reading and following other activists. I’ll put some links at the end of this post.)
We are going to rock the boat. We are going to lose followers. We are going to get people who are not willing to listen to why you support Planned Parenthood, Black Lives Matter, or oppose the Dakota Pipeline. But, I think my friend Leela says is perfectly:
Friends and colleagues, consider this a “calling in.” My intention is not to publicly embarrass, offend, or humiliate anyone. My intention is to call attention to this immensely important topic, to make you think, to ignite a bigger conversation, and to encourage you to massively step out of your comfort zone (like we tell our clients to do). Also, consider this a call to arms. An invitation to stand up; an invitation to speak out and invite your people to do the same. Consider this an invitation of leadership.
Wed, 1 March 2017
Today I’m joined by a repeat guest of the Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast: Rebekah “Bex” Borucki. She’s the founder of BEXLIFE®, a TV host, meditation guide, and fitness and yoga instructor (and so much more)! Rebekah is also now a published author, and her first book, You Have 4 Minutes to Change Your Life, was released by Hay House in February 2017.
Wed, 22 February 2017
There’s a conversation that’s been happening in these parts of town, aka my life coach friends, healers, those in the wellness industry who run online businesses. And the conversation is: Should we bring politics into our business? Should we talk about this to our audiences?
Show of hands... who’s excited about talking about this more? Who’s excited about hearing about politics more? Probably not many of you. You come here for personal development. You come here to learn how to be a better woman, learn new tools, and hopefully for my good humor and charm. ;)
What I’ve always wanted— what YKAL is— is a place where women can feel good about themselves. Where they can build confidence and courage and be proud of who they are. Proud of how they’re showing up in the world, proud of what they’ve created in their lives, proud of the hard conversations they have with themselves and with others. And at the end of the day-- me, Andrea Owen, creator of YKAL has to be that woman too. Proud of how I’m showing up in the world, proud of what I’ve created, proud of the conversations I have to have. And there has been no time in the last ten years of this work I do, where I have been asked more to walk that talk, than now
What’s been happening over the last six months or so it I’ve been listening, watching, and processing. And my listening, watching and processing is my privilege showing. The fact that I have time to do so.
Let me give you a little backstory. I was a proud Republican for a long time. I voted for George W. Bush in ‘04 and for John McCain in 2008. In Spring of 2009, while pregnant with my daughter, I took a women’s studies class called “Men and Masculinity.” It sounded interesting, it worked with my school schedule, and I needed it for credits to finish my bachelor's degree. Never in my life before had I been that interested in Women’s Studies.
Maybe the Universe was conspiring to change my life.
On the first day of class, we were asked to introduce ourselves to the person next to us. The young woman next to me told me her name and that she was a feminist. I said-- trying to be kind of funny, “Oh. Well, then I can tell you now you probably won’t like me.” She asked why and I said, “Because I don’t consider myself a feminist. And I’m a Republican.”
At that point in time, I was 33 years old, and I didn’t know what feminism was, or patriarchy, or privilege (I thought people who had that were the Paris Hilton’s of the world), or even misogyny. That was the first time in a class, I did a lot more listening than contributing to the conversation. In essence, everything changed for me that semester.
One of the things that changed was I realized what I had been so angry about for so long. That the anger and sometimes rage I had-- for not being taken seriously because of my gender, for being sexually harassed and assaulted, that there was a name for what I was really fucking pissed at. And it was sexism, misogyny, and patriarchy.
So, back to this conversation with all of you. If you follow me on my personal Facebook page, you’ll see my public posts are vocal about politics and what I stand for and my opinions. And I’ve mostly kept them out of here and even my YKAL social media accounts.
And this is something I’ve been thinking about. Why? Why have I not been more vocal? And the reason is my own shit. There is no guidebook for “How to be a teacher of personal development/life coach with a podcast while the world as you know it catches on fire.” And I panicked there for a minute. I kept looking around like HOW DO I DO THIS? I don’t know anyone who does exactly what I do and is talking about activism and doing it well. Most of us are either not talking about it at all, or throwing all of themselves in it. It’s an awkward place for us to be. I want to do it right; I want to do it well for you and for the next generation. But, what I realized is when there’s a revolution, you just do it. When you’re fighting the resistance, you just jump. It’s non-linear, it’s messy, sometimes I’ll get it wrong and sometimes I’ll get it right. I’ll clean up any messes I feel I have made and keep going. That’s leadership.
Here’s what I want you to know: I am not here to tell you to agree with me. I am not here to tell you what to believe about different world issues. That’s up to you. What I am here to do is to educate. And maybe, if you’re someone like how I was sitting in that class, someone who doesn’t identify as a feminist or have any concerns for women’s rights, someone who thinks we have nothing to worry about and real women’s problems are in other countries we don’t have to worry about-- maybe like me, you can listen and learn. Maybe your mind won’t be changed, but if nothing else, you’ll learn.
To be perfectly honest, in future blog posts and podcast episodes that are about social justice and social change issues, I’m not trying to change the minds of people who are dead set with opinions opposite mine. If they do change their minds, great. But, whom I’m speaking to are the women that so far don’t know much, if anything about these topics. Or, maybe they’ve only listened to the ideas and opinions of their husbands or parents, and haven’t looked at other ideas and opinions and haven’t really formed one for themselves yet. Or, maybe they just haven’t cared enough. Nothing “political” has ever affected them in their lives. I know this may be a lot of you and this isn’t at all to shame you. It’s common, and everyone has to start somewhere.
I talk about and teach a lot of things on this podcast and my blog. All of it falls under the umbrella of you feeling empowered. And one of those things is to stand up for what you believe in. To speak up. To speak up for yourself and to speak up for what breaks your heart. Because we all have those things.
I also want you to know that I strongly believe with privilege comes responsibility. A responsibility to the people who don’t have privilege. A responsibility to the people whose voices aren’t as loud as mine, who don’t walk this Earth as comfortably and easily as I do.
This is not comfortable. This is awkward. For some of you, you might be feeling guilty. And if so, good. I for one, have been wracked with guilt. That tells me something isn’t right. Guilt can be good in that it’s information telling us something we’re doing or have done might not be in alignment with who we really are. But, sitting in guilt and talking about our guilt gets us nowhere. And trust me when I tell you marginalized people do not care about our guilt. Our feelings do not hold a candle to what is going on in their lives.
So, what does this mean for the podcast? Well, here’s where all the reading, thinking, and processing over the last few months has made me realize:
Among other things, I help women heal and rise up from the wounds that trigger them. That’s where help with negative self-talk, feeling good enough, recovering from perfectionism, and hiding/numbing out comes from. What I realized pretty early on in my practice is that the root of the problem is more often than not cultural and familial problems and injustices. More specifically, what’s being passed down from generation to generation and what’s being passed around in our cultures. Some of that looks like our culture accepting of notions like:
Girls are mean to be seen and not heard.
Your body should be thin, and anything less than that is bad and ugly.
To be perfect is the ultimate goal.
Mistakes are unacceptable.
No one wants to hear about your problems.
You might have heard me repeat, “You don’t have to inherit dysfunction.” And I believe that wholeheartedly. But, what I’ve come to realize is that I can talk about healing our individual “dysfunction” all day, but if I’m not also addressing and trying to dismantle the root cause of it-- the systematic way women have been oppressed for many, many years-- I’m taking the fucking long way.
And you know I don’t have time for the bullshit long way. Nor do you.
So, is this podcast shifting into more talk about politics? No, it’s not. But, it will be shifting to talk more about social justice issues and women’s issues. And not just talk. You won’t hear me just complaining and shaking my fist at the patriarchy. You see enough of that on Facebook. It will be about awareness, action and solution.
Because I want to make this world a better place than it was when it welcomed me in. And I hope you’ll join me on my quest.
Wed, 15 February 2017
Hey Ass Kickers!
On today’s show, we’re talking money and retirement, and who better to help us dig deeper on these subjects than Amanda Steinberg. Amanda is the founder & CEO of Worth FM, a new digital financial advisor for women, and DailyWorth, the leading digital financial media company for women (with over 1 million subscribers to its daily e-newsletter)! In my talk with Amanda, we look at why women are so afraid to engage with money she helps us debunk the stories we’ve told ourselves when it comes to our finances.
Wed, 8 February 2017
Hi ass kickers!
Today I have a listener question I’m answering with my partner in crime/bestie/colleague/peanut butter to my jelly: Amy Smith. This episode is all about intimacy, vulnerability, and more. Even if you’re not partnered up, or have never had an affair, I’m 100% sure there will be nuggets in this episode to help you.
Fri, 3 February 2017
Want to learn more about how to love yourself? Of course you do. Click here to join my free workshop on Self-Love.
Wed, 1 February 2017
On today’s show I’m joined by the Melissa Ambrosini: best selling author, keynote speaker, and self-love teacher. Melissa didn’t always practice what she preaches and after living what she calls a “superficial and outwardly focused life,” she came face-to-face with a major health scare that required hospitalization in 2010. Now she teaches others the importance of understanding self-worth and she shares the tips and tools around this subject that can change your life.
Tue, 31 January 2017
Hi ass kickers!
This is the last episode in this round of the recovery series (season 2 will be out sometime in 2017. If you don’t want to miss it, make sure you’re signed up for updates here).
Last fall, as I was about halfway through the interviews for this series, my father passed away. We learned he had a terminal illness, and about 3 weeks later he died.
As a person in long-term recovery, this was the first time I’d faced something big while sober. For some, losing a loved one becomes too much, and they relapse. I can completely understand why this happens.
In this episode, I talk about the following:
Wed, 25 January 2017
Hello Ass kickers!
I’m super excited for y’all to hear this episode with my friend and colleague Laura Probasco. Laura is a mega ass-kicker and she brings it on today’s show. Her background is in social work and play therapy and she’s well-schooled in Brené Brown’s teachings which is how we first connected.
Laura is the founder of Probasco and Associates as well as the co-founder of The Art of Play, a play therapy training program for individuals, schools and organizations. She has taken her work around the globe interacting with people from all walks of life.
On this episode we dive into topics like vulnerability hangovers, hotwiring emotional connections, and the link between isolation and perfectionism.
We also talk about:
When it comes to vulnerability hangovers and “hot wiring” emotional connections, Laura shares a personal story from her own life (something many of us will relate to!). There are many lessons to take away from that story, including why we have vulnerability hangovers.
A vulnerability hangover is when you’ve shared deeply personal experiences with someone, and you later worry about what you’ve said, how you said and how the person on the receiving end was left. The “hot wiring” is when we share this information with someone we don’t know very well, like a nearby passenger on an airplane in Laura’s case. I mean, who hasn’t spilled their guts to a stranger before!?
During this show we talk about what to do if you’ve ever had a “hot wiring connection” or a vulnerability hangover, how to handle both and why they aren’t always bad experiences to have.
Continuing on that theme, Laura shares how our need for intimacy combined with our need for perfection leads us into isolation. She offers great suggestions on how to cope when we begin to isolate ourselves, including how to reach out to those friends we know we can turn to when we’re in the darkness. We even give you a word for word script to use with these friends so you can ask for what you need. (Because I know you all love scripts!)
There’s so much in this episode with Laura. She shares how she broke up with herself and why, the process and journey to worthiness and how to surrender control without losing your mind!
Tue, 24 January 2017
Hi ass kickers!
This week on the recovery series I’m talking to Megan Peters. Megan is a blogger, photographer, mom and recovery warrior. She struggled with perfectionism and people pleasing growing up, which she says fueled her drinking problem. In this hour you’ll hear:
Wed, 18 January 2017
Hey Ass kickers!
Today we’ve got a special episode of the podcast as I bring on someone I’ve been friends with for a long time. Rachel Luna is a Best Selling Author, Speaker, Confidence and Mindset Coach, and she not only shares the tremendous story of her life, but how went from considering herself “damaged goods” to the place she’s now at and how she’s helping others be the best they can be as well.
After listening to this one, I’m sure you’ll agree that when you show up and do the work, you’re going to see huge changes in your life too!
Tue, 17 January 2017
Hi ass kickers! Today on the recovery series we have Danielle Gilmore, who considers herself a compulsive overeater, love and sex addict. Danielle found herself at 380 pounds at 25 years old and decided it was time to get help.
I’m excited to have you hear her story because of a couple reasons: 1) I know people can replace addictions when they get sober from alcohol and food and other substances are what they often turn to and 2) I wanted to get a variety of stories because addiction isn’t just alcohol. I know many of you might struggle in different areas.
Wed, 11 January 2017
I talk a lot about taking responsibility for your life. I often tell the story from my own life about finding myself on the other side of two back-to-back really bad relationships, blaming everyone else in my life for how shitty I was feeling and deciding I’d had enough of all that. After picking myself up off the floor one day I decided to take responsibility for what I’d tolerated, what I’d attracted, what I didn’t know in terms of what a healthy relationship looked like, and what I wanted out of life.
I started to do the hard work and everything changed.
What I also talk a lot about it managing your negative self-talk. The inner-voice we all have that tells us we aren’t good enough.
If you’ve ever been in that place I mentioned above, the place where you take radical responsibility for your life, you might encounter a side-effect: Massively harsh self-talk. It might sound like this:
I can’t believe I allowed that kind of relationship.
I was so stupid to behave like that.
Only an idiot would do that.
I’m so ashamed of myself.
And on and on. Right?
So, you’re trying to better yourself and by doing so, it’s necessary to shine the light on all the bullshit and messes you might have made. And at the same time I’m over here telling you all day and all night to do it with self-compassion. And you might be thinking, how the fuck do I do that?!?
Never fear, I have some answers, ass kicker.
First things first, it’s going to happen. It’s normal once you really start taking inventory of what’s up and what you want to change for you to look at your life with the stink-eye. If you look at your life or your former life and think, “Hmm...it’s really not that bad!” then either you’re still in denial and aren’t ready for self-help or it really isn’t that bad and you don’t need self-help. So, you’re just like the rest of us if you see it all and gasp. It’s going to be okay, I promise!
Second, this happens to everyone and everyone feels the same way. Embarrassed, full or regret, guilty, ashamed, judgmental, disappointed, all the hard emotions in one big ‘ol pile of shit. Again, it’s part of the process.
Third, practicing self-compassion is a learned process, don’t expect to get it right on the first day. Some people ask me, “but when I talk to myself kindly it feels weird and not genuine.” When you had your first two weeks in Spanish class learning “Me llamo Estacia y me gusta los tocadiscos” did you feel fluent? Did you feel like you could fly down to Guadalajara, Mexico and blend into the natives? I didn’t think so. Learning to speak in a self-compassionate manner is the same. It takes time and practice and more time and more practice to not only do it consistently with less effort, but to make it feel more genuine. You have to start somewhere.
Fourth, watch where you start to dislike or hate that part of you. When you start to look at the parts of you that you want to improve, or that you never want to go back to, it’s easy to sort of “disown” that part of you. I did this too. In fact, once I realized it, I wrote a letter to myself apologizing to my former self. Remember, you’d never have gotten to where you are now without being that former person. You had to go through those hard time and made all those mistakes to get here-- being that person who’s improving herself. I know the success I have both personally and professionally was reliant on all the mistakes I made in the past. Yours will too.
If you’d like more support on this, I invite you to check out Your Kick-Ass Masterclass. Nine weeks of getting the support and tools you need to live a life of confidence, self-compassion, courage and of course, kickassery. Click here to join us.
Tue, 10 January 2017
Today on the recovery series I interview Nicole Antoinette. Nicole doesn’t identify with being an “alcoholic”, but very much had a problem with her drinking and has been sober for 5+ years. A self-professed “party girl” she went through years of struggling with insomnia which inadvertently led to her sobriety.
Wed, 4 January 2017
As a blogger and online business owner, one of the things I do is look at my Google Analytics to see how people are finding my website and which posts are getting the most hits. And year after year, it’s the posts I write about relationships, more specifically posts about my breakups and the heartbreak they ensued.
I’ve written about how to get over your ex, which has been shared more than 120,000 times (it’s probably much more, we installed the share tracking about a year after I wrote it). I’ve also had to turn off comments because of all the spam, people selling their love potions (not kidding. People selling poor heartbroken people love potions. There is a place in hell for those spammers). What’s obvious about the popularity of that topic is simply this: Most people in the world have had their heart broken by someone else and they have a really hard time healing.
I don’t pretend to be the absolute expert at this, as I am still navigating it every day in my own life. But, I’m compelled to write about it today because I’ve been turning over and over the question in my head:
Are we ever truly healed from heartbreak? And either way-- what does that even look like?
At my ripe old age of 41 (which btw, I still consider myself young with A LOT to learn about life and love) I’m starting to think the answer to that question sometimes is no. And that’s okay.
Let me explain. Here’s where I think the problem starts: I think we make up that we need to get over the people that have hurt us. And I’m not just talking about intimate relationships, I’m talking about parents, friends, anyone we’re close to that we’ve trusted and felt at some point or another has “broken our hearts”. We make up that we as humans, must get to a place in our hearts where we’re not hurt anymore. We don’t think about what happened, and if we do, we hold no sadness, anger, or hurt about it.
I don’t know about you, but that seems awfully robotic and ….impossible.
The problem worsens when we make up what it means when we’re not “over it”. We make up that we’re weak or broken, that we’re doing something wrong, that there’s something innately wrong with us, and we might keep obsessing on that person that hurt us.
As humans, I think we want a definitive answer. Are we through it or not? Are we healed-- emphasis on the past tense?
And my honest answer is I don’t know.
I think we look for this place outside of us-- this place “over there” where we will be absent from all the difficult feelings around it. It’s completely subjective what this looks like but I think so many people spend the better part of their lives searching for this.
It’s also important to get clear on what your definition of this is. If you think about a wound, if you get a small prick or papercut, when it heals there’s no scar. You don’t even remember all the small picks and papercuts you’ve received over your lifetime. They’re inconsequential.
But, when the wound is more substantial, when it’s deep and there’s a decent amount of bleeding that happens, maybe a scab forms and we have a scar. I have many tiny scars all over my body; as I type this, I can see three on my hands (only one I can remember how it got there-- hot glue gun, ouch). These scars become a part of us, a part of the biggest organ of our body. We more or less have to accept them, right?
So, what if we accepted the scars we have on our hearts?
And while I don’t know if we are ever fully healed, recovered or over it, I do know there are some key elements that are necessary in working your way through it.
#1 You have to feel all the feels. I see you going to Numbing McNumbtown. Parents disappoint you? Cake. Partner was an asshole? Wine. Kids stressing you out? Online shopping.
We don’t want to feel our pain. Or anger, or stress, or frustration, or sadness, grief, and on and on. This falls into the “how you do one thing is how you do everything”. If you’re numbing out on the stress of your job, most likely you’re numbing out on the huge heartbreak of your divorce or breakup. If you’re numbing out about the overwhelm you feel as a parent, you’re most likely numbing out about the miscarriage you had five years ago.
The only way out is through. The only way you’re going to “get over it” or whatever the magical thing is of feeling better is to respect the feelings that happen. You don’t have to like them, but you have to respect them. If you don’t, they come out in other ways and it’s not always numbing: blaming, rage, avoidance, and sometimes we shove it so far down it manifests as insomnia, depression and anxiety.
The bottom line: FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
#2 Your brain has literally been affected, so practice self-compassion. Many times heartbreak = trauma. I used to think trauma was reserved for people who had been through horrible, tragic circumstances like war or abuse. But, research shows that being dumped and similar situations can actually have an effect on our brains that is categorized as traumatic. I’ve recently had two guests on my podcast who talk about this (here and here), so please, look into doing the work on that. If nothing else, it will help you foster some self-compassion.
#3 Who do you need to forgive? Like it or not, learning to let go has a lot to do with forgiveness. Dragging around resentments, anger, bitterness, and thoughts of revenge will only encourage you to stay exactly where you are and in some cases, get worse. The other person is not suffering more because you choose to not forgive them. Typically, they don’t care.
Forgiveness is complicated, but possible. Trust me I get it. I’ve forgiven people who’ve done massive acts of betrayal to me, and I can’t imagine my life if I hadn’t forgiven them. For me, I wanted peace, not to carry around the same hatred from years ago. It had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with them. I forgave them for my own love, not theirs.
“To forgive...is a process that does not exclude anger or hatred. These emotions are part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things. The depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.” -Desmond Tutu
I love this quote from Archbishop Tutu because he normalizes the feelings around forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t magically forgetting all the difficult feelings and turning things around into happiness and warm fuzzy feelings. Sometimes forgiveness means you still think they’re an asshole and that’s okay.
These three steps aren’t guaranteed to magically get to to let go of whatever it is that’s plaguing you, but they are essential in getting you closer to it.
If you’d like more support on this, I invite you to check out Your Kick-Ass Masterclass. Nine weeks of getting the support and tools you need to live a life of confidence, self-compassion, courage and of course, kickassery. Click here to join us.
Tue, 3 January 2017
Welcome BACK to the recovery series! Thank you for your patience as I had to put the project on hold for a couple of months, but I am so excited to share episode six with you. Jean McCarthy of the Unpickled Blog is with us.
Jean McCarthy thought she had it all figured out: go 100 miles an hour all day as a mom and business owner, then drink wine before bed to quickly de-stress and fall asleep. She had no idea that this perfect equilrium would evolve into addiction over the course of a decade. Now five years sober, Jean writes about her experiences as a person in recovery at unpickledblog.com and holds space for others to share their stories on The Bubble Hour podcast.